Attempting to start the day with a more positive outlook. My emotions, based in this agonized body, have been tending towards that deep and dangerous depression I used to be prone to before the sobriety, stability and psych meds helped.
When I feel I have no way out of a bad situation and the pain gets too high, eventually my thoughts turn towards self-harm and self-destruction, and there's not much I can do can stop their ceaseless attacks. All I can do then is try not to move, not to make the wrong decisions that will allow that self-destruction to spill out into action.
I've been holding on to my conscious awareness with all I've got, including the meditation and mindfulness. If I let my guard down and slip into depersonalization, I'll have almost no control over my actions and that's when things could get the most dicey.
Here's hoping today brings a respectful, nice client who restores my faith in my job and works out the super painful stiffness in my back. I'm visualizing that happening. HAIL SATAN and pass the recovery, please!